I
have shared the following story with a number of students throughout my career.
It is about stealing loads of money from Mrs. Tonry.
I
worked for a couple years on the Tonry Tree Farm throughout some frigid NH
winters during the busy holiday season. I worked with several of my high-school
friends who enjoyed competing with each other on a weekly basis to see who
could steal the most money through our, unregulated, cash transactions. It was
not long before I had joined the party.
I
do not know exactly how much money I stuffed into my frozen jean pockets over
the years, but I do know that being a thief haunted me. During my first year of
seminary a professor shared a story about a friend of his that burned his car
because he couldn’t make payments, and then took the insurance money. He wasn’t able
to pray again without seeing the burning car in his mind. The madness
ended when he finally confessed and wrote a check to the insurance company. This wise seminary prof challenged us
to deal with the “burning cars” in our own lives as we prepared to entered
ministry.
So I wrote to Mrs. Tonry.
I
confessed, I apologized, I asked for forgiveness and I included a check for
$500.00. She was less than impressed with my conversion experience, my
repentance, or my new life in Christ. But, it was well with my own soul.
But after the news from some smart folks in Australia, my new question is, did I
really need to put myself through all that?
Tyler Okimoto, who's a researcher at the University of
Queensland in Australia, along with his colleagues Michael Wenzel and Kyli
Hedrick say, I absolutely did not. In fact, their recent research seems to
demonstrate that NOT apologizing has as many positive outcomes, maybe even more, as apologizing. They write,
“Results
showed that the act of refusing to apologize resulted in greater self-esteem
than not refusing to apologize. Moreover, apology refusal also resulted in
increased feelings of power/control and value integrity.”
Shocker. We feel better when we do what we want, not what we should. My kids could have written this paper.
To
me, this was a classic example of the dangers of divorcing faith and science.
Faith without science leaves the church burning people at the stake when they
suggest that the world might be round, or that the Sun is at the center of the
solar system. When science goes it alone, we find psychologists suggesting that
it is just as healthy for people to never apologize. A world without the word
sorry?
A
question that wasn’t raised by the research, and desperately needs to be, is
whether or not apologizing, or refusing to do so, has any effect on the victim. Can you imagine for a moment
what kind of world it would be if bullies of every stripe, rapists, dictators,
abusive parents, rebellious children, murders, tyrant bosses, thieves,
cheaters, adulterers, absent fathers…sinners of every kind imaginable, believed
that it might be best for their own self esteem if they didn’t look someone in
the eye, someone whose life they have crushed in a myriad of ways, and tell
them they are sorry?
There
are many people I counsel with every week, and many more that I have counseled
throughout my life, who have waited a lifetime to hear those words. They would
tell these researches that no amount of neurological scientific research would be able to ever quantify what sort of difference it
would make to hear the word sorry form their perpetrators. It would mean freedom, it would mean
resolve, it would mean moving on, finally. It would mean God is good, He is
there, and he has heard their prayers.
For victims everywhere, this time, the
researches have it wrong.
And for those who might be celebrating this news, for the victims you have left in your
wake, deal with your burning car today.
