My recent post on the subject of spiritual intimacy was the
most widely read article I have written on Thursday Circle. You can read Part I here. It generated some
incredibly healthy and important discussions online, in my office, in the
classroom, and in the living rooms of many of you who read the piece. And it
raised some weighty questions. So here is part two of the discussion. Let the
conversation continue.
Of all the questions I received throughout the past week,
most boiled down to some version of “how far is too far?” Along these lines
people were asking whether or not any and every form of communal prayer is a
breech of spiritual intimacy. Others wondered how we walk the tightrope of appropriately guarding our
hearts without extinguishing authenticity, transparency and the kind of
intimacy necessary for a healthy community.
The analogy I most frequently gave, albeit crass, relates to
way we think about our physical boundaries in the forms of handshakes, side-hugs, long embraces, and make-out sessions.
When someone stops me in the foyer of the church while we
are grabbing coffee and shares with me that they just found out that they lost
their job, I offer to pray for them. Handshake
When someone shares his or her story with me in my office
and we close our counseling session with prayer. Side-Hug
When someone from my inner circle of relationships (more on
this in a minute) shares something that requires confidentiality and I commit to
praying for the next few days, or months. Long embrace
My spiritual life becomes intertwined with the spiritual life
of another. When I move from my personal
spiritual life, to our spiritual
life. When you are no longer able to distinguish your own journey from the
journey you are on “together” with someone else, you have entered into a
spiritual Make-out session.
Again, I readily admit that there may be better analogies
out there, but these physical ones seem to be so clear that they make good
starting points when speaking about other types of boundaries. Rarely do we
find that we just “somehow” moved from shaking hands to kissing. The boundaries
are incredibly clear for most of us.
As I mentioned earlier, another aspect of spiritual intimacy
relates to how we conceive of community. In this regard many readers have
wondered how we might achieve God’s intention for authentic “life together” (to
borrow Bonhoeffer’s term) while simultaneously placing boundaries around our
spiritual lives? One answer is to reorient the very way we think about
community. All too often our Christian response to developing community is “the
more intimacy, the better.” Not only is this incredibly unrealistic, it isn’t
even remotely healthy.
In the book Search to
Belong Joseph R. Myers outlines four types, or spaces, of community: Public, Social, Personal, and Intimate. The general thesis of Myer’s work
is that these spaces are not only real ways that we experience community, but
that we desperately need to ensure that we experience each regularly.
With genuinely good intentions we (especially those within
the church) strive to move every relationship we have into the intimate
sphere. We wear name-tags, we gather in small groups, and we are encouraged to
build our lives around activities intended to move all of our relationships from
public to intimate ones. One of the ways we frequently do this involves increased
levels of spiritual intimacy. With Myers categories in view let me give some
practical boundaries for healthy spiritual intimacy.
Public: The kind
of spiritual intimacy you experience in corporate worship. This community is
comprised of strangers and acquaintances, friends and family members. Your
spiritual connections are broad.
Social: This
group is generally smaller. It is co-workers, or fellow members of the same
athletic team, clubs or classes. Here you know some people better than others and
prayer centers on general requests for health, the stress of assignments, or
for a wrecked car in the shop.
Personal: This
group is your “inner circle.” It is Jesus pulling aside James, Peter and John.
It is your accountability group, your closest friends, or your immediate family.
They know your struggles, you are free to be yourself and be open and honest
about your fears, your doubts and your disappointments.
Intimate: As you
might imagine, this is the relationship you have with only one person. It is
the relationship in which you stand completely naked and vulnerable before one
another. Nothing is hidden. It is only coupled with the physical counterpart
of consummation. One flesh.
Again, Myers argues that these categories are not only just
present realities, but necessary and essential aspects of living as healthy
beings, ensuring that we are experiencing each of these spaces of connection
with others. And before the question is asked, “If I am not married yet, how do
I experience intimate spiritual connections?”
My response, you may have guessed, is no different than if someone were asking me
about physical intimacy before
marriage; celibacy until covenant.
I hope this helps a
bit. Talk among yourselves.
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