There is one day each year in which the number of extramarital affairs soars significantly. Contrary to popular opinions, it is not the day men turn 40 and chose to run off with their 20-year old secretary. It is not near the end of a long year when a husband is off to war. It isn’t even on New Years Eve when the consumption of alcohol joins with resolutions to make significant changes in life. No, it is in fact, the day after we pause as a nation to celebrate the miracle of love by paying homage to St. Valentine. The data comes from a highly controversial website called Ashley Madison which exists to connect dissatisfied spouses with other dissatisfied spouses. A Craigslist service for those interested in committing adultery. Currently, the website has over 8 million users, with an additional 25,000 new users joining daily. That number skyrockets the day after Valentines Day. The rationale, according to some sociologists, is that Valentine’s Day, with its obvious focus on love, only serves to highlight the obvious flaws in many peoples’ relationships. After the letdown, people chase greener pasture. The fact that adultery has become so widely acceptable in our culture that a company like Ashley Madison can advertise their services on public websites and billboards, is a topic for this blog all on its own. But today, I wanted to ponder instead the hidden story behind what will be happening, if Ashley Madison is correct, around the world within 24 hours, in quantities that eclipse any other day of the year. In his book “When Sinners Say I Do” Dave Harvey suggests,

“If you are married, or soon to be married, you are discovering that your marriage is not a romance novel. Marriage is the union of two people who arrive totting the luggage of life. And that luggage always includes sin. Often it gets opened right there on the honeymoon, sometimes it waits for the week after. But the suitcases are always there, sometimes tripping their owners, sometimes popping open unexpectantly and disgorging forgotten contents.” 

A wise friend of mine once told me “Marriage is the belt-sander of sanctification.” In my own 15 years of matrimony, I agree. I have never experienced anything else that exposed my selfishness, vices and unrealistic fantasies more than my marriage. I feel I can speak rather accurately for my wife when I share that the above statement has been equally true for her as well because her spouse of choice has forced her to pursue unreal levels of patience, grace, forgiveness and has helped her to come to grips with what it means to live with disappointment and unmet needs. Over half of the marriages in America don’t make it. I am now at that age in my life when, in the last month alone, I have heard the saddening news that friends of ours in two separate marriages are throwing in the towel. Some would say that there is a need for people to grasp how difficult marriage is. I would raise the bar a bit higher. In my own experience, and by the statistics of success, marriage is one of the most impossible endeavors humans can attempt. It is the reason why it has to be built on more than emotion, romance, compatibility, or great sex (although, for the record, there is really no reason why great sex should necessarily be absent). Marriage is a covenant, entered into with sacred symbols and vows. Promises that explicitly state that when you completely let me down, I am not going anywhere. “In sickness and health, in wealth and poverty…until death do us apart.” And with those final words, you commit to spending your life with another sinner, and that is, quite simply, one of the greatest gifts God could ever give us. As Dave Harvey reminds us, “We must not ignore our sin, because it is the very context where the gospel shines brightest.” 

Happy Valentines Day. Celebrate your significant other today and let them know exactly how much you appreciate the way in which they have shown you your need for a Savior. You certainly won’t find joy in the arms of another sinner. Love the sinner God has given you and commit afresh today to keep the belt-sander plugged in.

Piers Anthony writes wildly famous fantasy books, and he came from a broken home. In the author's notes from his book Fractal Mode, he writes: "One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not, we who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs or seem to seek them, who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors, we're not that way from perversity. And we cannot just relax and let it go. We've learned to cope in ways you never had to." I grew up in a broken home too. In terms of pure statistical data, that doesn’t make me much of an anomaly anymore in America, since nearly 50% of marriages here in the states end long before “death do us part.” My parents went their separate ways when I was very young and I have had plenty of years to pick of the pieces, forgive, reconcile, and learn to stop blaming them for my problems. Yet, Piers Anthony’s words strike me with a refreshing air of honesty and truth that is often missing in the Church. Perhaps because Christians are no more immune to marital failure than the rest of our culture (divorce rates are nearly identical), churches are less and less prone to ever address the elephant in the room. Why step on the toes of 50% of your audience? The reason, quite simply, is because divorce affects far more people than just a husband and a wife. In a particularly penetrating article in Christianity Today, Andy Root speaks about the way in which divorce can mess with a child’s identity in profound ways. For the full article see Since a child is born from the union of two souls becoming “one flesh” Root questions what happens to that same child when the union is broken? Practically speaking it means that children often have two homes, two schedules, two holidays and two families. Spiritually speaking it means a central aspect of their identity has been altered forever. Root writes: “I don't wish to diminish the psychological and economic impact of divorce. But if we truly are relational beings, then divorce is centrally an issue not of psychology nor of economics but of ontology—an issue of our very being. It therefore feels a little like being erased, like losing our being in the deep divide that separates our divorcing parents.” That is why the Church, who is repeatedly called a “family,” needs to be, of all places, a safe one for people to find healing in the wake of divorce. Not just the husband and wife, but the children, whether they are 3, 36 or 72. Like being born with a physical disability, the effects of divorce don’t ever go away. People learn to overcome, to compensate and to move on, but they never heal completely. Their altered identity becomes their reality and they learn that life without mom and dad together makes everything else just a bit more difficult. As a survivor myself, and as a pastor to countless students from broken homes, I want to suggest several ways that the body of Christ can come around and show the Kingdom to those who have been impacted by divorce. 1. Acknowledge: First, recognize those around you who are suffering because of divorce, particularly the children. People often assume the kids are doing fine. They are not doing fine. Something as simple as recognizing this in tangible ways for them can be significant. One of the most healing things a human can say to another human is something that recognizes the hurt. “I see your pain, and it doesn’t frighten me. I won’t tell you how to feel, but I will sit with you as long as you want.” 2. Invite: Initiate opportunities for people to talk, share, vent, cry and tell their stories. Listen without judgment and without trying to solve their problems or help them see it from another viewpoint. Just listen. Children of divorce have been told, “don’t feel, don’t trust, don’t speak.” Give them opportunity to do all three. 3. Model: Let your healthy home and marriage be a safe place for those who need to find some healing. It is hard to break the cycles of divorce and we need the people who are doing it right to let us watch and participate in a family where we can be taught that our future is not cast in stone because of our past. There is always hope.