Piers Anthony writes wildly famous fantasy books, and he came from a broken home. In the author's notes from his book
Fractal Mode, he writes:
"One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not, we who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs or seem to seek them, who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors, we're not that way from perversity. And we cannot just relax and let it go. We've learned to cope in ways you never had to."
I grew up in a broken home too. In terms of pure statistical data, that doesn’t make me much of an anomaly anymore in America, since nearly 50% of marriages here in the states end long before “death do us part.” My parents went their separate ways when I was very young and I have had plenty of years to pick of the pieces, forgive, reconcile, and learn to stop blaming them for my problems. Yet, Piers Anthony’s words strike me with a refreshing air of honesty and truth that is often missing in the Church.
Perhaps because Christians are no more immune to marital failure than the rest of our culture (divorce rates are nearly identical), churches are less and less prone to ever address the elephant in the room. Why step on the toes of 50% of your audience? The reason, quite simply, is because divorce affects far more people than just a husband and a wife.
In a particularly penetrating article in Christianity Today, Andy Root speaks about the way in which divorce can mess with a child’s identity in profound ways.
For the full article see
Since a child is born from the union of two souls becoming “one flesh” Root questions what happens to that same child when the union is broken? Practically speaking it means that children often have two homes, two schedules, two holidays and two families. Spiritually speaking it means a central aspect of their identity has been altered forever. Root writes:
“I don't wish to diminish the psychological and economic impact of divorce. But if we truly are relational beings, then divorce is centrally an issue not of psychology nor of economics but of ontology—an issue of our very being. It therefore feels a little like being erased, like losing our being in the deep divide that separates our divorcing parents.”
That is why the Church, who is repeatedly called a “family,” needs to be, of all places, a safe one for people to find healing in the wake of divorce. Not just the husband and wife, but the children, whether they are 3, 36 or 72. Like being born with a physical disability, the effects of divorce don’t ever go away. People learn to overcome, to compensate and to move on, but they never heal completely. Their altered identity becomes their reality and they learn that life without mom and dad together makes everything else just a bit more difficult. As a survivor myself, and as a pastor to countless students from broken homes, I want to suggest several ways that the body of Christ can come around and show the Kingdom to those who have been impacted by divorce.
1.
Acknowledge: First, recognize those around you who are suffering because of divorce, particularly the children. People often assume the kids are doing fine. They are not doing fine. Something as simple as recognizing this in tangible ways for them can be significant. One of the most healing things a human can say to another human is something that recognizes the hurt. “I see your pain, and it doesn’t frighten me. I won’t tell you how to feel, but I will sit with you as long as you want.”
2.
Invite: Initiate opportunities for people to talk, share, vent, cry and tell their stories. Listen without judgment and without trying to solve their problems or help them see it from another viewpoint. Just listen. Children of divorce have been told, “don’t feel, don’t trust, don’t speak.” Give them opportunity to do all three.
3.
Model: Let your healthy home and marriage be a safe place for those who need to find some healing. It is hard to break the cycles of divorce and we need the people who are doing it right to let us watch and participate in a family where we can be taught that our future is not cast in stone because of our past. There is always hope.
